Last year, it was announced that there was going to be an OFFICIAL Ouija Board movie, directed by McG (who directed Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle, remember how much everybody loved that?). The budget was announced as being $100 million.
NOTE: This project seriously existed.
Fortunately, it was cancelled, because, well, that was a stupid fucking idea.
Unfortunately, Ouija wouldn’t stay dead (!!!) and now it’s back with a $5 million budget, and now the joke around the internet is that the movie must suck to have such a huge budget cut. Meanwhile, I’m left wondering why they’re even spending twenty bucks.
SPEND AS LITTLE MONEY AS POSSIBLE ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT AND PEOPLE WILL SEE IT.
How fucking stupid are we getting as consumers? The bar is set so goddamn low now. All that’s required in a blockbuster movie is the bare minimum amount of plot elements possible to make it recognizable as a genre of some sort.
Exciting action movies just need to have things moving around while you hear explosions and shit. Have you ever seen a Transformers movie? I have no idea what happens in them. The point of the movie is literally “Look at that car, now it’s shaped like a robot and it’s HITTING ANOTHER ROBOT!”
They made a movie out of the game Battleship. It’s about alien submarines that jam our radar so we have to blindly shoot torpedoes at them…I actually think that’s kind of clever…Dammit…
So now Ouija Board: The Movie is back on track to dazzle audiences by having the same plot as almost every ghost movie ever, except they can use an OFFICIAL BOARD! Hooray!
Now I’ll be able to buy the “The official board featured in Ouija Board: The Movie” or maybe tell people that I was into Ouija boards before they got popular.
Fuck this movie (NOTE: I might see this movie)
Based on the Ouija movie, here are some great movies I just came up with ON MY OWN:
Where’s Waldo: Detective Waldo Johnson is an FBI agent gone rogue. He’s going to tell the media all of his Chief’s secrets unless they can find him NOW! Match the tone of the “Bourne” movies and we’ll all be rich!
Hungry Hungry Hippos: A mad scientist creates a super soldier serum, but accidentally lightly drizzles it on his pet hippo (I’m getting sick of writing this, so whatever) and it get’s big and mad…then it eats shit… I’m a millionaire!
Mr. Potato Head: A man has a horrible disease that causes his body to fall apart. There is no cure, and he doesn’t want to upset his family, so he tries to hide his illness. When his head falls off his body, he does his best to look normal by resting it on a pair of shoes and tapes little plastic action figure arms to his cheeks. He lives in a horrible world of pain, crying out in anguish and despair for the majority of the movie, while his psychotic children gleefully place different types of glasses on his face. He begs for them to kill him, but they don’t want to end the fun. Eventually the police show up to investigate the man’s disappearance because his boss at the Potato Factory (lazy) has reported him missing.
The police walk in to find the mans body discarded and rotting on the floor, and are delighted to see how much fun the kids are having. They join in, contributing a police hat for the man to wear. Eventually they realize that other people should be able to have the same fun as them, so they create a doll of a disembodied head that you can dress up in all kinds of silly clothes. The disembodied head is decided to be bizarre and inappropriate, so they change it to a potato once they remember that the guy worked at a “Potato Factory” (I MADE THIS RELEVANT).
Boom, I’m either rich or in a mental institution.
NOTE: THIS MOVIE WOULD MAKE ME RICH.
NOTE: I’M PRETTY SURE THIS IS ACTUALLY WHERE MR. POTATO HEAD CAME FROM.
NOTE: I’M SICK OF WRITING THIS AND INSTEAD OF A PROPER ENDING I’M JUST GOING TO STOP.
One last thing: They should call the Ouija Board movie “Ouija Movie” to mirror “Ouija Board.”
“Honey, which Ouija thing did we want? Was it the board or the movie?”