WBKE – Episode 16: Tattoo Culture

This week on Will and Bobby Know Everything, Evan Lindemann talks to Bobby and me about tattoos! We also get into talking about crazy modern body modification stuff like scarification.

That part is actually pretty wild so bear that in mind going into this.

We had a really fucking great time talking to Evan, so check out the show, and feel free to send us any comments or questions!

Click here to listen straight from your browser!

Otherwise get the show on iTunes, or Stitcher! If you need better, more detailed instructions, click here!

Evan works at Revolver Tattoo in New Brunswick, New Jersey, which is open 7 days a week! Call them at 732-247-8666 to set up a tattoo/piercing appointment! Ask for Evan if you want a tattoo, and tell him you listened to his show! You won’t get a discount, but maybe he’ll smile at you! They do piercings on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

As usual, like our Facebook page, follow us on Twitter, and feel free to e-mail us at WillAndBobby@gmail.com with whatever you’d like to say, requests for topics, or even requests to host! I don’t care who you are, everybody has something interesting to talk about or a story to tell! Now I feel like a weiner.

Anyway, listen, enjoy, and tell your friends!

Episode 17 next week!

WBKE – Episode 15.5: Bonus Clip with Richard Rogers!

Hey guys, check out this clip from the conversation we had just after recording this week’s show! We were still sitting around talking, and I turned the recorder back on for a little while!

Click here to listen from your browser!

Click here to go to the iTunes page!

Otherwise click here for more options and detailed instructions!

Thanks again to my mom and dad for being on the show this week, it was a lot of fun!

Enjoy!

WBKE – Episode 15: How I Lived My Life by Lying and Fighting

Welcome to week 15 of Will and Bobby Know Everything, where Bobby and I are joined by a special guest: my father, Richard Rogers!

Dad tells us some of the most amazing stories I’ve ever heard in my entire life. There are a lot of stories here I had never heard before. Most of his stories involve him lying to people in order to:

Get a flight on a private plane

Meet celebrities

and go to the Oscars.

It’s amazing.

We’re also joined part way through by my mother to help tell some pretty freaky stories about bats!

Now, I know I’m biased, but I’m going to go ahead and tell you guys that this might be my one of my favorite episodes of the show so far. As a matter of fact, it might be the first show that we have bonus content for. So look for that sometime this week!

This also might be the first show where Bobby and I are almost completely irrelevant. If anything, we’re there to derail the stories being told. Think about that as you listen. Dad tells really funny, interesting stories, then Bobby and I jump in being morons, and once we’re done, dad moves on as if nothing happened. It’s completely awesome.

Anyway:

Click here to listen straight from your browser!

Click here to go straight to the iTunes page for the show!

Or stream the show by searching for it on the free Apple/Android/Blackberry app Stitcher!

If you need more detailed instructions, click here!

UPDATE: I posted a bonus clip from this show! Click here to go to it!

So thanks guys, I hope you enjoy the show, please feel free to give us feedback here or on Twitter (click here), Facebook (click here) or by e-mailing us at WillAndBobby@gmail.com!

And as always, feel free to ask any questions, request topics, or offer to host a future episode!

Episode 16 next week!

FYL: I’m Shockingly Annoyed

I commonly talk about how I hate everything, but I’m happy to report that I don’t think that’s true. I hate a lot of stuff, sure, but definitely not everything. As a matter of fact, every once in a while, I look around and have to acknowledge that most people are more respectful and intelligent than I would expect. And like every other moment in my life when I feel at peace, something fucking moronic pops up that reminds me that people appear respectful and intelligent because they aren’t saying exactly what they want to say, or doing exactly what they want to do.

If you’re at the grocery store, or you’re at work, the people you see tend to keep to themselves, for the most part. Most people don’t walk up to you and say something crazy. And that’s because they’re all just waiting to get home and go online before they say exactly what they’re thinking or what they’ve been up to.

There’s a website called F My Life, which basically everyone is aware of, but if you aren’t, all you need to know is that it’s where people go to post something that happened to them that sucked. It always ends with “FML,” for “fuck my life.” Here’s a good example of a normal one:

Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I’ve been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks (2076) - you deserved it (282)

There’s a common format: “I did something expecting certain result. The result I got was surprising and shitty. FML”

People then vote as to whether or not you deserve those results. It’s a simple system.

Like all simple systems, however, people have found a way to fuck it up and annoy me.

Look at this one I just saw:

Today, I found myself humming a Skrillex ditty all day. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve had some sort of stroke.FML

I agree, your life sucks (1478) - you deserved it (690)

This is so stupid and weird. It’s this guys’ own fault that he’s humming a Skrillex song. Regardless of his overall opinion of Skrillex, he must like that song! And everyone agreed that he has a right to complain?! Bullshit! This guy is a moron.

Every once in a while, I come across a stupid person’s FML and I “star” it on Google Reader. So I thought maybe I’d share a few of the FML’s posted by people who have no one to blame but themselves, either because they did something stupid, or because they are just dumb.

Today, I had my first chorus concert. We got a bigger applause when we left the stage than when we sang. FML

I agree, your life sucks (5238) - you deserved it (1622)

Bigger applause at the end of a concert means you did a good job, idiot. No one is allowed to complain about this.

Today, I got myself an organ donor card, just to feel wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks (13118) - you deserved it (3091)

You can’t complain about something you consciously decided to do. More than that, I’m betting you didn’t get the card to feel wanted, you got the card, you were feeling moody, and then you posted about it online all blown out of proportion to get people to pay attention to  you. It worked, which is unbelievable. Congratulations.

This next one was actually deleted from the website, but I still have it saved. You’re going to have to trust me here, this is real, I swear:

Today, I realized exactly how lonely I was when I typed “I love you” into Google Translate, just so I could click the listen button and hear someone actually say it to me. FML

I have no way of knowing whether or not people agreed with this guy that his life sucks or not, but if I had to guess, everyone sided with him, because everyone is stupid. And this is stupid. And I’m annoyed further.

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks (17262) - you deserved it (9522)

You actually decided to go to a Hooters, and worse than that, you went expressly because you wanted to be served by ladies with big boobs. When that didn’t work out, you were disappointed enough to write about it online? And everyone agrees that your life sucks because of that? Maybe it’s good that you have such low standards.

Today, I realized that the “holla” tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn’t fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

I agree, your life sucks (1324) - you deserved it (16535)

Wait, you got the outside of your lower lip tattooed? Why were you under the impression that tattoos fade? The reason we have Temporary Tattoos and call them temporary is because the alternative is a permanent tattoo. You deserve this, dummy. Thankfully people were able to see that as well.

Here’s the last one, and it’s a fucking doozy. It’s incredible in how many layers of stupidity go into this:

Today, I went to McDonalds and ordered a happy meal with a girl’s toy. The high school girls behind the counter said I was too old to be served one, and I had to go home and explain to my sick daughter why she didn’t get her toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks (10685) - you deserved it (1278)

There is absolutely no way that McDonald’s told you what not to order.

There is no way that some cashier put their hands on their hips and stared you down because they, for some reason, thought you wanted the girl’s toy for yourself.

However, let’s assume that’s exactly that happened: You didn’t explain to them that it was for your daughter? And then when you went home you explained to your kid that both McDonald’s is shockingly rigid about who they give toys to and that you’re a strangely cowardly person?

I’m not buying for one minute that this would be your kid’s ONLY toy by the way. It’s not like her happiness was truly dependent upon getting a My Little Pony.

Again, let’s assume that’s exactly the situation: Why didn’t you go to another store and get a shitty little toy and pass it off? This whole thing just screams, “I forgot to ask for a toy, and when asked by my wife why I didn’t have it, I blurted out a stupid excuse which, once said out loud, I have to stick to.”

And wait a minute, did they give you everything in the kids meal except for the toy? Your story has fallen apart sir, and I think you posted this online to somehow legitimize your story to your wife, “Honey, if I was lying, would I have put it online??”

Why are people siding with this fuck up? Almost eleven THOUSAND people feel bad for this guy that supposedly some bored 17-year-old McDonald’s cashier put their foot down that they DO NOT GIVE TOYS TO ADULTS!?

How is that possible??

I’m actually annoyed now, so I’m going to stop posting these.

I know it’s unreasonable to be so grumpy over this bullshit, but I find it unbelievable, and no matter what, I’m definitely right about how stupid these are, right?

WBKE – Episode 14: Childhood

On this episode of Will and Bobby Know Everything, Evan Giller hosts a conversation about what we were like when we were kids. Poop is involved. Almost immediately. So that’s good.

We also discuss getting in trouble, bullies, and weird kids. It’s a damn good episode, and there’s a ton of stuff that made me burst out laughing while I edited it, so check it out and spread the word!

Click here to listen straight from your browser!

Click here to go to the iTunes page for the show!

Or search for the show on the free Apple/Android/Blackberry app Stitcher to stream it!

If you need more detailed instructions, click here!

Please feel free to leave any comments!

You can also find us on Facebook, Twitter or e-mail us at WillAndBobby@gmail.com for any questions, suggestions for topics, or requests to host!

I hope you enjoy the show guys!

Episode 15 next week!

Scary Story Time – April 2012

Hey guys, happy Friday, the 13th! This is the second of THREE Friday, the 13ths we’ll be experiencing in 2012!

If you’re familiar with Scary Story Time, you should know that I’m going to start doing them on this site rather than my personal blog (WillRogers2000), and if you’re not familiar with it, I post a new scary story every month on the 13th, and here’s the disclaimer:

Quick disclaimer: I’m a really big fan of horror movies and scary stories. Recently I’ve been finding a lot of interesting little scary stories written anonymously by people on the internet, so I decided to start sharing some of the ones I like. You should know, before you read on, that I did not write any of these stories, unless otherwise noted. You should also know that I won’t always be posting that I enjoy 100%. There could be a ten page story that I post because I like one sentence of it. In that case, I assume I’ll explain why I posted horse-shit and what merit I see in it. Sometimes, I’ll post “scary” stories that I hate, think are stupid, or maybe even funny. But more than that, you should really know that some of these stories may be somewhat graphic, so just steel yourself for anything, especially poor spelling and grammar (I don’t edit these stories). No matter what, though, I hope you enjoy them too, and if you know any stories or sources, please share them with me. Also, if you have any requests, just ask, I have a huge archive of this stuff!

So let’s jump right in, being that it’s Friday, the 13th, and being that this is the first time I’m posting a story on this site, I’m starting off strong. This is a story called The Song and Dance Man, and it’s definitely one of the better written stories I’ve come across. More than being a good scary story, I think it’s legitimately a great short story of any type. When I read this story, I see it like a film, it’s awesome. It’s also long as shit, so prepare yourself for that, and enjoy this fucking weird, creepy story:

The Song and Dance Man

There are few left alive who remember the Song and Dance Man. Time has claimed the ones that survived the long night and I’m sure they went willing to meet their maker. Life takes on a strange tint after a night like that.
The ones still left – Bill Parker, Sarah Carter, and Sam Tannen – don’t talk about it. Sam is lucky. His brain started to turn to porridge a few years back and now he has trouble figuring out how to put on his pants. He got an early reprieve from his memories. He doesn’t wake up night after night; the music still playing in his ears, with tears still drying on his cheeks.
The Song and Dance Man came to Belle Carne with little fanfare in the fall of 1956. I had just gotten out of high school and was working as a stock-boy at Handy’s Hardware. I was there the afternoon that Sarah Carter burst through the door, making the bell over the door jingle like mad.
“George, you gotta see what’s been set up by the bandstand. There this huge tent up and this man standing in front of it yellin’ like a carnival barker.” Sarah was out of breath and had obviously run from the park and all the way down Main Street. Her hair was whipsawed every which way and one strand stuck to the end of her nose. She gave a quick puff and blew it out of the way, waiting for me to react. With Sarah, I was always two steps behind and running to catch up. The girl had energy in those days and in an unlimited supply.
I stopped rearranging the nails and said, “There wasn’t anythin’ up there when I walked by this mornin’. When’d it go up?”
She shrugged her shoulders, a quick raise and drop, “Dunno, but it’s up, and you gotta see this guy. He’s all dressed up, head to toe, and he can talk. Boy, he can talk.”
I thought bout it and checked the clock. It was near about five and time for me to quit anyway. “All right, let’s go check it out then.”
Sarah grinned from ear to ear and was gone. I didn’t doubt she was telling everyone in the gang, the ones that were still in town anyway. Most of us scattered to the four winds after graduation. Only a handful of us remained in town and only a handful of us were on hand to witness the dance.
I walked down to the bandstand by myself, not bothering to wait for the others. Most likely, Sarah was already there waiting for us. I met up with Bill as I passed the drugstore, where he worked as a soda jerk. “What the hell is Sara talkin’ about, George? She blew in here and then blew out again before I could ask her anything.” Bill was a big guy, the tallest (and heaviest) guy in our class and I just about cracked up the first time I saw him wearing that little peaked paper cap McClearly makes his soda jerks wear. Bill doesn’t really liked to be laughed at, though, and after the knot under my eye went down, I made sure not to laugh at him anymore.
He’s a good guy aside from that temper. He was the best guy on the high school basketball team, too, though he’s one of the few guys who got kicked out of a game. He threw another player halfway down the court, and they were on the same team, too. Bill said the other guy elbowed him in the gut. It had to have been an accident; no one would have done it on purpose.
We both walked down the street, Bill smoking a cigarette, a habit that caught up to him in 1995 when they removed his right lung. At the end of Main Street, we crossed Buchanan and entered the park. Normally, at that point, we would have been able to see the bandstand, perched on a hill near the center of the park. During the summer, there’d be concerts: performances by the school marching band, a church choir singing some hymns, that kind of thing. Once, a couple of kids from the high school had put together a pretty good rockabilly group, but someone on the parks committee passed an ordinance that banned rock ‘n’ roll in the park. Small towns, you know?
But now, there was a huge, faded yellow tent blocking the bandstand, like the kind in the circus or the kinds those old revival ministers like to use when they’re feeling the spirit and they like to feel your wallet too.
There was already a pretty large crowd around the tent and as Bill and I got closer, we could hear the fellow that Sarah had told us about. He sounded like a carnival barker all right. Bill and I walked faster down the path that lead to the tent. We pushed our way through the crowd, up toward the tent and where we thought the man was.
“Come on everybody, it’s getting close, getting close, we’re goin’ to have ourselves a heckuva time tonight. Yes indeed, a HECKUVA time. We’ll be singin’, we’ll be dancin’, I PROMISE that, and the Song and Dance Man always keeps his promises!”
We still couldn’t see him; still too many people were blocking the way. It looked like the whole town had shown up to see the Song and Dance Man. Bill tugged on my sleeve and pointed. I followed his finger and got bug eyed. It was Reverend Harper, the Baptist minister. I’ve lived a good long time, but I ain’t ever seen a man that could thump a Bible harder than he. Harper preached against the evils of sin – sin in drinking, sin in smoking reefer, sin in smoking tobacco, sin in lying, and, most of all, sin in dancing…yet here he was, lining up to get inside the tent, too, ‘cause he certainly wasn’t preaching. We waved at him, Bill waving with the hand that held the cigarette, and that old Baptist turned red as the Red Sea and turned and walked away. Bill and I grinned at each other and kept on walking toward the front and toward the Song and Dance Man.
Finally, we broke through the crowd and there he was. He stood on an old crate, splintered and looking like it was on the verge of collapsing under his feet. On the grass beside him lay a black fiddle case with gold trim along its edges. It looked old, older than the crate, older than the town. It seemed like something ancient.
He was all angles, all knees, elbows and shoulders. He was tall and gangling, his body moving and bopping to the rhythm of his words. He wore a red and white pin-stripe jacket, looking like he belonged in a barbershop quartet. A straw hat sat on his head, always getting pushed back or pulled forward by his long fingered hands. Long, six fingered hands. I started when I saw that. I had read that some folks are born with six fingers, but reading about something and seeing it are two different things.
His eyes just about flashed blue lightning as he spoke and sparks nearly flew from those white teeth, and he just never stopped talking. He didn’t stop for breath, for questions, or anything. He just kept up that pattern like his very soul depended on it.
“All right, all right, all right, we’re getting close, getting real close, yes we are. Are you ready to dance? Are you ready to sing? ‘Cause I’m ready to play my fiddle, yes I am, yes I am. Got a fiddle at my feet and I’m ready to play. Ready to make those strings SING, can you believe it?”
He’d clap his hands and that’s as close to a pause as he was willing to do.
Sarah and Sam came up to us now, having found us in the crowd. Sarah elbowed me in the rib and said, “What’d I tell you? Looks like he should be in a carnival tryin’ to get us to see the bearded lady or somethin’.”
Sam nodded his head in greeting to us, which caused his glasses to slide down his nose, and he gave them a short push back up to where they belonged. He was as tall as Bill, but nowhere near as built. He was the smart guy in our gang. You had to have someone like him around to tell how to do things like take apart the principal’s car and rebuild it in the school gym. Not that we ever did anything like that.
“What’s he sellin’?” asked Sam.
“A dance, I figure,” I said.
“What’s it cost?”
The Song and Dance Man must have heard him because he said, “What does it cost, I hear you ask? Why, it don’t cost a dollar and it don’t cost a quarter and it don’t cost a dime. Folks, this will cost you nothin’, just get on in and dance to the song all night long.”
We all looked at each other. It was a good deal. A little free music and space to dance? There wasn’t much to do in town back in those days and there still isn’t. This was almost too good to be true.
The Song and Dance man stopped now, a minor miracle in and of itself. He dug deep in his pocket, pulled out a gold watch, checked the time, and then grinned a grin that must have shown every one of his teeth. He pocketed the watch and said, “Folks, it’s time for the dance so come on in. Come on in, everyone, because it’s time for the dance to begin.” And with that, he hopped down from his crate, grabbed it up with the fiddle, and darted through the tent flaps.
Sarah, Bill, Sam, and I nearly got mowed over in the rush to get inside, but we were still the first ones in. We stopped short when we pushed aside those big old tent flaps, but were quickly driven inside.
It was huge inside. There was a hardwood floor beneath our feet that looked like it must be oak, a dark, dark oak polished to a mirror shine. There were candles in holders all along the tent-pole posts and when I looked up, I couldn’t see the ceiling for all the darkness. It was like looking up at a starless night sky, where the moon didn’t dare show her face.
The crowd kept driving us and more and more people poured in. It wasn’t just the young people, either. There was Missus Crenshaw, our junior year English teacher who was in her fifties. There was Mr. Hoskins the principal. There was the good old Reverend Harper, still looking embarrassed, but also like he couldn’t help himself. It really was the whole damn town. Hell, even the mayor was there with his wife, standing and talking with the chief of police.
Soon, everyone was inside and the murmur from all the talking was nearly deafening. It was already getting warm in there and I was feeling cramped and claustrophobic. We were all looking for the Song and Dance Man, to see where he had gone. No one looked up, so no one saw him until the first pull of his fiddle bow.
He was there, on the center tent pole, sitting on a small, wooden platform about twenty feet off the floor. God knows how he got u there, because there certainly wasn’t any latter going up. He dangled his feet over the edge and held his fiddle in one hand and the bow in the other. The fiddle and bow seemed to be made of that same dark wood that the floor was and gleamed in the candle light like a thing alive. I almost doubted that the fiddle even needed the Song and Dance Man to make its strings hum.
We all looked up at him and he grinned and jumped to his feet while the crowd gasped, worried he might plummet into their midst.
And then he began to play.
He made those strings sing. I haven’t heard anyone play like that before or since and I thank God for that every day. It made the air around us crackle and spark. It loosened the joints and jolted the mind. You felt the urge to move deep in the bone, buried in the marrow. I grabbed Sarah’s hands and we began to move across the floor and everyone followed suit, some with partners and some without. Some were doing the foxtrot, some were doing a waltz, and some of us were doing the twist. We danced, moved, shucked, jived, rocked, and rolled.
I passed Reverend Harper moving his feet in a clunky box step with Eloise Grendel, an old battle-axe of a Catholic. I saw the mayor’s wife waltzing with Dan Adams, one of our firemen.
I swirled with Sarah, moving across the floor, bumping and jostling with the people around us. It was hot and getting hotter in there, and it wasn’t long before it smelled of sweat and bodies moving against bodies. I felt dizzy, but we kept dancing together, kept dancing and not stopping. It was a while before I realized that the Song and Dance man was singing, too, but in a language I didn’t understand.
He lorded over us, standing on that platform, making his fiddle sing and sing. His bow rose and fell, slid back and forth, side to side. He played like he talked. There were no breaks or pauses, just a manic deluge of tunes while his tongue curled around words that had no business being said in this world.
I gave my head a shake as I spun with Sarah and I realized my legs were tired. My feet ached and my lower back was beginning to throb. I checked my watch and realized we had been dancing for a solid hour. I shook my head again, trying to shake off the dozy feeling that was clouding my thinking.
“Sarah,” I cleared my throat. I had only spoken in a whisper. My tongue felt thick and funny. I tried again. “Sarah.” Louder this time, but she still didn’t respond and we kept dancing. I shook her, but she didn’t respond. I kept shaking her until I realized I was doing it in time with the music.
So I just tried to stop, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop.
Underneath the fog, I began to feel frightened. I began to see the faces of the other people now. I saw their terror. Reverend Harper’s face had grown redder than it had been before. Sweat poured down his face, but still he kept moving, twirling Missus Grendel around and around, her head lolling from side to side. She had fainted, but her feet were still moving. We moved past Bill, who danced with Susie Watkins, and I saw her frightened eyes darting around the room, but Bill bobbed his head in time with the music and his glassy eyes looked at nothing in particular.
The Song and Dance Man laughed from his perch and kept playing, tapping his feet. His eyes were glowing in that dark, humid place. They glowed and glowed and light glanced off the bow with each sweep.
I heard a scream and swiveled my head to watch a woman drop to the floor holding her leg. She had cramped up. I was envious. She got to stop. She got to rest. My own legs felt like dead wood and the ache in my back had deepened.
Then her partner stepped on her ankle and I heard the crunch from across the room. He was still dancing; his eyes blank and empty as he moved. She screamed again and started to crawl away, but instead stood up. She started to dance, bringing her weight down on the broken ankle again and again and again. I turned away, but I couldn’t block the sound of her sobbing.
The music ran on.
I checked my watch again and it was three hours now. We didn’t flag or falter. We kept up the same speed as the fiddle. The damning fiddle. Rapping our feet against the floor. Never mind the blisters that burst. Never mind broken toes or broken ankles. Never mind that deep pain buried in the spine that refused to go. Never mind old hearts and bad knees.
We kept up that frantic pace as one mass: a bobbing, thumping, jumping creature with one mind.
Reverend Harper died at one point. I watched it happen. He was holding up the still fainted Missus Grendel (whose feet still moved with the music) when he dropped her and fell to the floor. He twitched once, his feet beating a quick, staccato rhythm, and then was still. Missus Grendel got back up and kept on moving. I watched Harper as I danced, trying to see if he was breathing.
He wasn’t. I swear to you, he wasn’t, but he still got back up. He was dead, but he still got back up and began to dance again. He turned to look at me and grinned the Song and Dance Man’s grin. His eyes were red, filled with blood from whatever had broken in his brain. I watched as a single red tear rolled down his cheek.
I shut my eyes and kept moving.
Harper wasn’t the last. He probably wasn’t the first. The old and the sick were the first to drop. No matter what it was – exhaustion, heart attacks, hemorrhages somewhere deep inside – they died, and then they got back up and kept dancing, grinning their grins.
I passed Lizzie and Sam. He had lost his glasses at some point. His eyes darted around, terribly aware. I looked at his leg and I saw a jut of some bone tearing through his denim jeans. There was a trail of blood behind him, and as he swirled a spray landed on the legs of the people around him. He stepped on that broken leg, twirled on it, and jumped on it all in time with that fiddle.
The night passed.
I remember stepping on something at one point and realized I had just crushed Missus Dempsey’s right hand. She was lying on her back on the dance floor. She had been stepped on time and again. I could even see a man’s shoeprint on her stomach. Her head had been caved in and her chest beneath her dress had a sunken look, and still, she was trying to get up and keep moving.
The smell of blood mixed with the sweat and I couldn’t breathe any more. The air was thick and from all around I could hear cries and screams, but nothing that drowned out the fiddle or the Song and Dance Man’s singing.
And then it stopped. I danced one more step and then stopped myself. I looked up at the platform. We all did, craning our necks upward. He was checking his pocket watch.
“All right folks! That’s all for tonight! The dancing is done and the morning has come. You may leave if you can walk and you should walk quick cause this Song and Dance Man is gonna be gone.”
We all stood there, like stunned cattle, then marked to the tent flaps. No one ran, because they couldn’t. It was a miracle we could walk. Sarah stepped ahead of left, but I stayed behind. I turned and looked, and saw at least twenty people still standing there. Harper was among them. They were all grinning, their eyes empty. They stood and made no sign of wanting to leave.
“Go on now, friend. The Song and Dance Man has what he wants, but he’d be glad to add you too if you tarry and dally too long.” I looked up at him and saw him smile, and then I turned my back to him and left the tent. When I turned back again it was gone, along with the people inside.
That’s the story of what happened. The others won’t tell it or pretend it never happened, never mind the 20 people that vanished that night, the mayor’s wife included. They’d rather not think about it.
Sarah and I took Sam to the hospital over in the next county, far from folks that knew what had happened. They had to remove his leg. Sam was quiet before and was quieter still after, pulling odd jobs that a one-legged man could do. He doesn’t move around much nowadays; just sits on his porch, a cane across his lap, and massages the stump with his hand. Says it bothers him on cold nights…and warm nights…and wet nights…and dry nights.
Bill left and joined the army, and stayed in long enough to fight in Vietnam and won a bunch of medals. He came back and settled down to drink and drink hard, and if you want to find him, you can find him in Eddie Dixon’s bar. No matter how drunk he gets, though, he doesn’t talk about that night.
None of us saw much of Sarah after. She came through the best, but that’s how she always was. She left and went to college, but, like Bill, got pulled back to Belle Carne. She teaches over at the high school now, teaching English to the juniors.
I stayed here, plugging away at the hardware store. I ran it for a while, but now I don’t do much of anything. I just sit around with Sam, talking about things sometimes, though not often. If I stay too late, if I stay too long, I’ll see his eyes go glassy behind those coke-bottle lenses and he’ll disappear into himself, and I’ll catch him humming a faint trace of a song and the hair on my neck stand on end and goosebumps rise on my arms in great knots.
My foot will start to tap out a small beat on the hardwood porch and a big wide grin will spread across Sam’s face. The grin of the Song and Dance Man.

The end

I love that story. That part where the dead bodies get up and start dancing is so bizarre and unreal, and the concept of still being forced onto your feet with a broken leg makes me grit my teeth. Maybe it’s not as much creepy or scary as it is disturbing and uncomfortable, but no matter what, that’s just a really awesome story.

So what I usually do to finish Scary Story Time is give you a bit of a palette cleanser so that you can move on to the rest of your day without the baggage of the horror knocking around in your skull. So look at this, and feel refreshed:

(Photo Credit: Cat .gif Page)

If you guys want more scary stories, CLICK HERE to go to a list of all the previous posts from my personal site.

Also listen to: WBKE – Episode 5: The Supernatureal

I hope you enjoyed, and check back for a new Scary Story Time in one month!

Because I’m Fat

Walking into a grocery store, I look like I’ve totally given up.

My hair is fucked up and disheveled, I’m wearing sweat pants and a stretched out t-shirt with what might be a million stains. Maybe mustard stains.

I look like every stupid cliché of a fat, single, loser who has completely given up on life.

But guess what, morons, I just came from the gym!

Booya!

Kaboom!

I own you!

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been one of those creepy dudes you try not to make eye contact with at the gym! I go to the gym!

For years I’ve been an on-again, off-again sort of health guy. You definitely wouldn’t know it to look at me (I’m big) but of you look at random pictures of me taken in the past 5 years, there’s a lot of slimming down and blowing up going on. Hell, at one point I was technically just chubby!

For the past year I’ve been full-blown fat, though, and like every other time when I’ve noticed the weight, I’m making an effort to get healthy.

It’s amazing, I really do find that whenever I finally discover that I’m fat as hell, it’s like flipping a switch: I pay attention to the food I’m eating, I work out. Inevitably that method of operation falls by the wayside again, but by the time that happens, hopefully I’ve lost just enough weight to allow another year of eating too much pizza.

Bobby, on the other hand, is the kind of person who can eat whatever he wants, and stay thin. Worse than that, for the past few months, he’s actively been trying to gain weight. Asshole.

We usually grab something to eat before we record the show, and for a couple of weeks, when he’d come to town, he’d get two sandwiches.

Two foot-long sandwiches.

He had Eyebrows Lady make him two entire sandwiches! (Side note: this also means he ate double the amount of stuff Eyebrows Lady touched)

Did you know that, as an adult, there’s really nobody to tell you not to eat a huge bag of potato chips? Did you know that, at any time really, you can just go to a store and buy all the candy bars? There’s nothing stopping you! You don’t get in trouble for deciding you want to eat a pint of Americone Dream (Stephen Colbert’s Ben & Jerry’s ice cream) or get a couple cheese quesadillas from Taco Bell. Although I heard you can be arrested…cardiacally!!! (that joke works, and I’m a fucking genius)

I’ll tell you a true story about my experience with Taco Bell. Maybe 6 or 7 years ago, I used to eat a nearly inhuman amount of fast-food. Seriously, it was like the movie Super Size Me was playing on a loop, except it’s a special edit where the guy never decides to quit and he doesn’t have a mustache (yet). I used to go to Taco Bell and get a steak quesadilla and a Cheesy Gordita Crunch. In case you aren’t aware, those things are fucking amazing. I usually would park in the lot, in a space farthest from where there could possibly be foot traffic, and eat like a shameful pig.

One day, while on my way to a party, I stopped at Taco Bell to get my bag of shit to eat, and parked in an out-of-the-way spot, as usual. Halfway through the quesadilla, a car pulled up and parked in the spot right next to me. I immediately put the food down on the passenger seat for fear of being seen doing what a lot of fat people do. I figured I’d just wait for the person next to me to get out of their car and go inside, and then I’d resume my cheese-feast.

Except they didn’t leave.

I looked over and saw a pretty girl getting into a burrito costume! (Obviously that’s not what happened, but I had written “pretty girl getting into a burrito” and couldn’t help myself from writing “costume”).

So there we were, two similarly gross people, going nuts on fake mexican food, both alone. I did what came natural:

I got uncomfortable, thought to myself “fucking freak,” and pulled out of the parking lot, finishing my food on the way to the party.

I’m telling you this story for a reason, I am a fucking freak and I really really need to get my shit in order. I’m feeling pretty good otherwise. I feel creative again for the first time in a long time, I’m being respectful to the people in my life (I think), and aside from some light mental illness, I’m a happy guy! If I can just get my priorities straight in terms of the food I eat, I’ll feel even more entitled to be an asshole on the podcast. I can’t wait!

Ricky Gervais has a stand up bit from a few years ago, while he was still overweight, in which he talks about how evidently only 2% of the population can claim they’re overweight because of a glandular problem. The rest just eat too much. He broke it down into the basic math of it: you ingest more calories than you burn off. I don’t know what backlash he may have received from that bit, but as a fat guy, I personally saw it as a really empowering simplification of what I do. It’s not an insurmountable problem you can’t get over, it’s a math equation. He may have been saying that fat people shouldn’t complain about being fat, but what he meant (I think) was “stop making excuses.” A few years later, he put his money where his mouth was and got in shape, himself.

You know how sometimes you’ll go out to dinner with your friends, and a fat friend will just order a salad, and not finish it? It’s because they’re pretty sure you’re paying attention to what they’re eating (I have done this). I don’t know whether or not that’s true, but I do know that this means your friend is really insecure. I personally don’t give a fuck about how big anyone else is, as long as they don’t live their life afraid and ashamed of it, but for me, personally, I’m pretty sick of being concerned with how I appear to other people, so I really think it’s time to try not to just lose enough weight to justify eventually eating again, it’s time to just live a little different. I’ve had 25 years of reckless fatness. That’s a pretty long time to do whatever you want. And it’s a cliché (for a reason), but food isn’t love (except evidently it is: Huggable Vending Machine).

Maybe it’s the changing of seasons. It’s getting warmer, the earth is a little greener (literally), shit’s blooming, and when that happens, a lot of people inevitably start making decisions about getting healthy. Maybe that’s exactly why I’m talking about this and feeling the way I am, but even if that’s the case, I’ll take advantage of that feeling for as long as possible. Otherwise it’d be like walking past a dollar bill on the ground. Sure, it might have poop on it, but a dollar is a dollar. I’m pretty sure that’s a poor metaphor, but you know what I mean.

So in that grocery store, with me looking like total shit, and looking like I’ve come straight from playing video games in my parents’ basement (note: I actually might have), I’m going to start taking solace in the knowledge that I look the way I do not because I’ve given up, but because I’m starting to try.

Full Disclosure: The actual reason I was at that grocery store was because my girlfriend and I left the gym early to get dinner.

Progress, booya.

If you have no idea who the fuck Eyebrows Lady, get to know her: WBKE – Episode 6: Crazy People Part 1

And here’s that Ricky Gervais bit: Ricky Gervais on Fat People

Here’s a SECOND Ricky Gervais bit I JUST found in which he basically says everything I just said (except he said it first as a huge celebrity). It’s him talking about his previous bit, from the perspective of a thin man. Pretty cool (viewer discretion advised): Ricky Gervais – Fat People

Feel free to comment with fat jokes!

WBKE – Episode 13: Racists, Morons, and Chevy Chase

Hey guys, this week on Will and Bobby Know Everything we’re doing something a little different!

In this episode we’re joined by Allie Palmer (my girlfriend) in a conversation about whatever comes to mind, which means we’re talking about how it’s currently a great time to be a racist, about how SNL sucks now, and then we chastise people on Facebook for posting one of the dumbest things ever!

It’s a really fun episode, and it’s the first time we’re posting an episode just days after recording it, so listen, and feel free to comment on the things we discuss!

Click here to listen straight from your browser!

Click here to go straight to the iTunes page!

Search for it on the free Apple/Android/Blackberry app Stitcher!

Or click here for more detailed instructions!

Please like our facebook page and follow us on Twitter as @WillAndBobby and @WillRogers2000

As always, email us at WillAndBobby@gmail.com with comments, questions, suggestions for topics, and requests to host!

And stay tuned, because I have some goofy shit coming up. And some really cool shit. Maybe. We’ll see.

Either way, enjoy, and Episode 14 next week!

WBKE – Episode 12: Nerd Culture Part 2

EDIT: Hey guys, evidently I blew it. This episode required some tricky editing, and as a result, we refer to something at the end of the episode seemingly out of no where. We had been discussing how a man in Taipei died in an internet cafe, and no one noticed for hours. So for background info, check out the article here to have some idea what we’re talking about: Gamers Ignore Corpse in Internet Cafe.

Now, I obviously could go back and edit the references we make out of the episode, but it’s not that big a deal.  Just know that we had been talking about how nerds get too invested in things. It’s insane that this guy died sitting in a chair in front of a computer. Also, Bobby asks how this is possible, since the guy died after just 10 hours of sitting. He asked why being immobile for a long time evidently kills you. Wouldn’t people die in their sleep every night? I made the hilarious joke that when it’s recommended you get 8 hours of sleep a night, 8 hours isn’t the minimum…It’s the maximum! “You gotta get outta that bed, baby!

Man, I should have left all that in, that’s hilarious. I’m hilarious.

Anyway:

This week, Bobby and I are joined again by Michael Costa and Matt Battaglia to have another conversation about a whole bunch of nerdy bullshit. We might actually be nerdier in this one.

This episode has it all: The Walking Dead, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Batman, Harry Potter, Star Wars, and a renewed debate over which one of us is the nerdiest. The decision is honestly pretty surprising.

We also talk about the concept of saying “well the book is better than the movie.”

Here’s how to get the show:

Click here to listen straight from your browser!

Click here to go straight to the iTunes page!

Or download the free Stitcher app on your Apple/Android/Blackberry device and search “WBKE” to stream the show on your phone!

I hope you enjoy the show guys, please spread the word if you do, and then:

Head over to the Facebook page for the show and click the like button: click here!

Please look for Matt and me (Will) on Twitter: MattJBatt and WillRogers2000

And as always, e-mail us at WillAndBobby@gmail.com with comments, questions, suggestions for topics, or requests to host!

Episode 13 next week!