WBKE – Episode 20: Sports

Suit up, sports-fans, this week Bobby and I are joined by Michael Palmer to talk about the old pig-skin, hockey pucks, baseballs, and Air Bud!

We try to come up with new rules for all major sports, we discuss the afterlife for some reason, and we also have a brand new segment from my sister Kristen, which we’re calling Voice of the Nation with Kristen Rogers! It goes really well. Really well. Really well.

Anyway, here’s some important information: Bobby and I are planning a LIVE SHOW!

On Thursday, June 28th, log on to http://www.Vokle.com at 8:00pm eastern time to watch us do a live show, taking real questions, from real listeners! Be one of them! You don’t need to create an account, and you can log in via Facebook, so there’s really no excuse for not being there. You’ll also get to see the inside of my new apartment (this is Will), and maybe also see my girlfriend yell at me for embarrassing myself! Seriously, check that out, it’ll be fun, it’ll be like you’re in the room with us!

Anyway, back to this weeks WBKE:

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No matter what, enjoy the show, tell your friends!

Now go like our Facebook Page, follow us on Twitter (@WillAndBobby), and email comments or questions (for the live show, too!) to us at WillAndBobby@gmail.com!

Episode 21 next week!

I Am My Father’s Son… My Father’s Genius Son.

     Yesterday, I was going about my normal morning routine of finding my pants wherever I’d kicked them off to in my sleep, catching pigeons in the park and eating their feathers when I saw something hilarious happen in my mind. It’s not very important what it was (whoopie cushion). What’s important anyway, is that I laughed. It wasn’t my normal laugh, though! I laughed exactly how my father has laughed for at least the past 25 years I’ve been alive excluding wolf moons, leap days, and whenever he wears green. What’s even more uncanny is the fact I was wearing green that day!
Now, up until last year I would have hated this. I would have jumped immediately out of that weird lake, climbed that orange mesh fencing, and started work on changing my entire persona- that is, until I realized I finally get my dad. This last year alone I have picked up snoring and nearly dying in my sleep, have lost 30% more hair since January than I usually lose per year, and have noticed my mustache is finally coming in just as well as all the cool kids who spell it ‘moustache’ and live around me.
I had an idea to write a joke in here about someone’s backwards hat growing in quite nicely, but I couldn’t figure out how to word it. That’s why it’s just thrown in here.
The only drawback to all of this is my height’s inevitable diminishing, my alcoholism developing, and a small rage problem later on in life. Is that such a big price to pay for such a nice mustache, though? I think not.
But there’s a larger point to be made here! A very funny man once said ‘we mock that which we are to be.” Can anyone tell me what this means? http://www.willandbobby@gmail.com
As a pioneer in a world of smart asses, I have been the bane of my father’s mature, adult existence for quite some time now. What does this mean for my own future? Am I to hang up my towel and never expect to hear exasperated sighs when I enter a conversation? What will become of anyone with a genuine insight or point to make? Who will be left to slap me if I am no longer slappable?
What my grand point and what you readers can take out of all of this exposition really is is this: cherish the time you spend with your parents now, while you don’t understand them; sooner or later you’re going to become them and all your rebellious years will be wasted otherwise. Of course, you can always just say ‘fuck it’ and live however you want. Who the fuck am I to say how you should live your life? My dad- that’s who I am.

tl;dr: who wants to get matching denim jackets and start a gang with me? We can get mini bikes and call ourselves The Ghoulies.

tltl;drdr: The Ghoulies.Image

WBKE – Episode 19: The Madness of Dr. Tanzler

This week on Will and Bobby Know Everything we’re joined by our buddy Cooper as we discuss magic, music, and madness.

That’s right.

We’re talking about Penn & Teller!

We’re talking about Michael Jackson!

And then we delve into the horror, the weirdness, and the madness of Dr. Carl Tanzler!

I can’t warn you guys strongly enough that the story of Dr. Tanzler is not for the easily disturbed, the feint of heart, or anybody with a weak stomach. It’s truly bizarre and disgusting. More than that, it’s a true story! Seriously: here’s the Wikipedia article, complete with pictures!

Anyway, enjoy the show and feel free to let us know what you think in the comments!

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For more detailed instructions, click here!

Anyway, please e-mail us at WillAndBobby@gmail.com with comments/questions/requests to host, check us out on Facebook (and click the “Like” button!) and follow us on Twitter: @WillAndBobby!

More than that, enjoy the show and spread the word!

Episode 20 (and news of our upcoming LIVE EPISODE) coming next week!

Scary Story Time: May 2012

Hey guys, Happy Mother’s Day! It just so happens that today is also the 13th of the month, which means it’s Scary Story Time.

In honor of mothers and children everywhere, I’m mashing the two holidays together! So here are THREE scary stories centered on the lady we all know and love (mom) and the stuff we all feel and hate (fear). But first:

Quick disclaimer: I’m a really big fan of horror movies and scary stories. Recently I’ve been finding a lot of interesting little scary stories written anonymously by people on the internet, so I decided to start sharing some of the ones I like. You should know, before you read on, that I did not write any of these stories, unless otherwise noted. You should also know that I won’t always be posting stories that I enjoy 100%. There could be a ten-page story that I post because I like one sentence of it. In that case, I assume I’ll explain why I posted horse-shit and what merit I see in it. Sometimes, I’ll post “scary” stories that I hate, think are stupid, or maybe even funny. But more than that, you should really know that some of these stories may be somewhat graphic, so just steel yourself for anything, especially poor spelling and grammar (I don’t edit these stories). No matter what, though, I hope you enjoy them too, and if you know any stories or sources, please share them with me. Also, if you have any requests, just ask, I have a huge archive of this stuff!

Now here we go: We’re going to start with a story that I told in Episode 5 of Will and Bobby Know Everything, which was all about The Supernatural. So you may have heard it before, but it never get’s old.

In The Kitchen

A young girl is playing in her bedroom when she hears her mother call to her from the kitchen, so she runs downstairs to meet her mother.
As she’s running through the hallway, the door to the cupboard under the stairs opens, and a hand reaches out and pulls her in. It’s her mother. She whispers to her child, “Don’t go into the kitchen. I heard it too.”

The end.

I fucking love it. That’s basically the perfect scary story. And it takes about two seconds to read. Amazing. This next one is pretty similar, but still pretty great:

Upstairs

When I was a child I lived in a rented two-floor house. Both my parents worked so I was often alone when I came home from school.
One early evening when I came home the house was still dark.
I called out, “Mum?” and heard a voice say “Yeeeeees?” from upstairs.
I called my mum again, and again got the same “Yeeeeees?” reply.
I felt she was calling back at me and climbed up the stairs.
When I reached the first floor I called her once more and the voice “Yeeeeees?” came from the furthest room.
I felt both uneasy, but felt a strong urge to see my mother, and started to walk towards the room.
But just as I was about to open the door into the room I heard the front door downstairs open and my mother come in, carrying a lot of shopping bags.
“Sweetie, are you home?” my mother called in a cheery voice.
Hearing her voice made me feel instantly better and I turned back to go downstairs at once… but not before I had a quick glance towards the room.
While I watched from the top of the stairs, the door to the room slowly opened a crack.
For a brief moment, I saw something strange in there.
A pale face, staring at me.

The end.

And the final scary story for the day is a pretty long one, but it’s also pretty great. This one isn’t scary from the perspective of a son or daughter, but it’s got to be a fucking nightmare from the point of view of a parent. Enjoy, it’s one of my favorites:

A Game of Flashlight Tag

When I was ten, I played a late night game of flashlight tag with a bunch of neighborhood kids. If you don’t know what flashlight tag is, it’s the same as tag, but you play it in the dark, the person who’s “it” gets a flashlight, and they have to yell the name of the person they see with it in order to “tag” them. It was really cloudy that night, and most people had their curtains drawn, so it was the perfect level of darkness for hiding in.
The side of the street my house was on was skirted by a broad length of woods. That was basically the boundary for our side of the game. You could run through any yard, even go across the street and run through their yards, but you weren’t allowed to hide in the woods, because it was too difficult to find anyone in there, and it was very easy to trip over tree limbs or end up with poison oak. Of course, this rule was frequently and flagrantly ignored when people got too close to being caught. They’d duck off into the bushes for a few seconds, or run behind a group of trees to evade capture.
I don’t remember who was it at the time, but I was hiding in a backyard two houses down from my house. The family that lived there had a little playhouse for their daughter, a swing set and a doghouse but no dog. I would periodically duck into the doghouse whenever I saw the flashlight’s searching beam approaching. Those of us trying to hide from the “it” person liked to spook each other in the dark by jumping out of nowhere and making each other scream, giving away our positions.
I thought I knew where the “it” guy was, but I got comfortable hanging out on the swing set. Suddenly, a person with a flashlight came around the corner of the house and angled it almost directly at me. I jumped and ran for the edge of the woods. When I got there, I hovered in case they saw me and were going to yell at me for cheating. The beam of light seemed to explore the swing set where I was, then came in my direction, but there was no sense of hurry at all to it, and I wondered for a second if maybe I’d attracted the attention of the homeowner. Most people on the block knew we were out playing flashlight tag, but you never can be sure that someone won’t get nervous if you stay in their yard too long. So I crouched down in the grass and waited to see who it was.
They shined the light right in my face and I tried to cover it with my hand to avoid identification. The creepy thing was, they never said anything, just shined that light on me.
“You got me!” I exclaimed, hoping that if it was a homeowner, they’d realize I thought they were the flashlight tagger. Then I realized that two houses down, people were yelling and there was the “it” guy’s flashlight beam chasing them around.
I stood up and tried to see who was shining the light on me. They just stood there, not moving, not saying anything. I felt a little freaked out.
“If you don’t want us playin’ in your yard, I’ll go tell them it’s off limits, okay?”
The person started walking toward me. I didn’t feel right, so I started walking toward the edge of the yard. The person just kept shining the light on me and coming toward me.
So I ran.
When I looked back, the person with the flashlight was running too, and they were an adult, much bigger and much faster than me. I felt scared now, not sure why this person was chasing me. I was running toward where the other kids had been, but they were gone now. It just seemed to be me and the person with the flashlight. So I turned right and ducked into the woods. I dropped to the ground, shaking bushes and stuff to try to confuse the person, then shimmied under a ring of thick bushes and curled up. I could see the flashlight in the woods with me, looking around. I could hear the person’s footsteps breaking sticks and crunching on pine needles. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on, and I just wanted to get back to all the other kids. Eventually, the flashlight wandered deeper into the woods and I crawled quiet as a mouse back to the edge of the trees and then got up and ran toward the street.
I was immediately caught by the person who was “it”, but I didn’t care. He yelled loud that I was now “it” and I tried to tell him that there was someone else with a flashlight wandering around in the woods, but he took off into the dark yelling about “no tag backs”.
“Don’t go in the woods!” I yelled, but nobody responded. Of course, any who heard me would just assume I was talking about not cheating at the game, but I was sincerely worried about that person wandering around in them. Of course, now I had a flashlight of my own, so I thought, I should go and see if I can find out who that was, just to make myself feel better.
I went back behind the house I’d come from and a bunch of laughing shadows scampered out of sight into neighboring yards. I ignored them and headed straight for the trees. I couldn’t see any other light in there, so I thought, maybe he went home. I didn’t know if it was a man or a woman, but I didn’t imagine any women trudging through the woods at night.
So I went about playing the game again, albeit anxious because of the lingering thought that there was someone wandering in the woods who didn’t seem to be playing the game with us. I ran across the street and chased people through the backyards there, but after a while I found the lots empty and realized that they must have gone back across the street. I ran back over and was exploring the Beeches’ backyard. Mrs. Beeche had a clothesline with a bunch of drying sheets on it, and her daughter Charlotte liked to hide among the linens and stay close to home in case she got too scared of the dark. She was only a year younger than me.
I thought I heard something at the tree line, so I went over and was waving the flashlight around into the woods.
“Stay outta the woods!” I remember yelling. I waved the flashlight back and forth a couple more passes, then saw someone off in the distance. I held the light on whoever it was. They were about half a job into the woods, hard to make out, but it looked to me like Charlotte. Charlotte had brown hair that her mother insisted on keeping shoulder length. We always dressed dark for flashlight tag, and Charlotte liked to wear this deep purple sweatshirt, so it was usually easy to tell when you had found her.
“Charlotte I see you!” I yelled. She just stood there. I continued to hold the light on her and call her name, but she didn’t seem to move. She stood there partially obscured by a tree and looked at me. The distance between us was enough that I couldn’t see if she was blinking or not, but she had her head propped at an angle like she was looking around the trunk at me with her mouth hanging slightly open. Every now and then she sorta twitched or squirmed. It was a real freaky kinda movement.
“Charlotte! Come out of there!” I yelled. “Everybody! Charlotte’s it, but she won’t come out of the woods!” Some kids including my friend Dustin appeared behind me and started joining in my yell for Charlotte to come out.
“Do you see her?” I asked.
“Yeah, she’s over behind that tree. Charlotte, get over here!” Dustin said. But she wouldn’t come. “Charlotte, are you okay? Get over here, dummy!”
Charlotte seemed to stand up straighter and then disappear behind the tree. We could hear movement, but it seemed to be going away rather than toward us. Dustin started shouting Charlotte’s name again and trudging into the woods after her, but I grabbed him and gave him the flashlight to take with him. I was scared again, because this all seemed surreal. I went to Charlotte’s house and knocked until her father answered.
“Mr. Beeche, Charlotte won’t come out of the woods, and I’m worried about her,” I told him. I wasn’t sure if he’d take me seriously, but he rolled up his newspaper and disappeared into the closet behind the door for a moment before returning with a huge flashlight strapped to a car battery.
“Show me where she is,” he told me, so I lead him to the woods and pointed to where I’d seen her.
“She was right there,” I said, “by a tree, but she wouldn’t come out and she was acting like she was sick or something.” A bunch of the other kids kept calling Charlotte, Charlotte and I could see Dustin’s flashlight beam moving around through the trees. Mr. Beeche went in after him.
They explored the woods for a good fifteen to twenty minutes, and Mr. Beeche started getting real angry. We could hear him yelling very loudly for Charlotte, threatening her with all sorts of punishments if she didn’t get her ass back in the backyard that instant. The game was over by now, and we kids just stood there in the Beeches’ back yard among the linens and watched. Dustin came running back out of the bushes with a dead flashlight. Eventually, Mr. Beeche came back out of the woods.
“Game over, kids,” he said, “Get inside. Ask your folks if they can help me and to bring flashlights.”
We all ran back home. My dad went out with three different flashlights. My mother went and turned on all the lights in the back rooms and opened the curtains and shades to help illuminate the back yard. I sat on the couch all upset and she eventually came back and hugged me and sat with me while I told her about the person with the flashlight chasing me and how I thought maybe Charlotte had run into him.
Mr. Beeche had gone inside and called them to report a missing child. They brought huge lights and did a march through the woods checking very thoroughly, but didn’t find her. My mother told my dad what I’d told her, he told an officer and I ended up giving a statement. They went to the house three doors down and knocked, but the folks that lived there had been asleep and didn’t know who would have been in their backyard. The police asked all up and down the neighborhood, but nobody claimed to know anything.
The other end of the woods came to a back road mainly used by logging trucks. They found Charlotte two days later, on the other side of the logging road, down an embankment that ended at a stream, stuffed into a drain pipe. Her neck had been broken and she was apparently stabbed multiple times afterward. My parents wouldn’t tell me about it, they thought it would upset me, but Dustin told me all the details at school the next day.
It was the most awful thing our town had ever had happen. The police blocked off the logging road and spent months tracking down loggers and truckers who frequently used it. There was a curfew for months and we were told not to play flashlight tag anymore. We didn’t argue.
What leaves me shaking to this day is the memory of Charlotte’s face, hanging out from behind the tree, looking at me. Sometimes I wonder if at that moment, I had been witnessing her death. And I wonder if that had almost been me.

The end!

And that’s all this month! Now go have a great day with your mom, just make sure it’s really her.

Now, real quick, let me help you get rid of that chill in your spine. This is a picture I found by google “Dog dressed like a woman:”

20120513-090919.jpg

Awesome.

See you next month!

WBKE – Episode 18: Social Media Part 2 (Me and My Murderer)

Hey guys, welcome to a very special episode of Will and Bobby Know Everything.

If you listened to Part One of Social Media, then you know that my sister Kristen joins me and Bobby for the topic, and you know that we hadn’t planned on it being a two-parter.

For that reason, yes, this episode is a bit shorter than our shows usually are, but it’s amazing. This episode is basically all about a particular story: the story of the insane man I offended, who threatened me that he’ll never forget the ways I have wronged him.

It’s a story about insanity, anger, and my inevitable death at the hands of a crazy person.

If you want, feel free to read the original story I wrote (just after the events of the story) as you listen for a truly engrossing experience: Me and My Murderer

ENJOY!

Click here to listen straight from your browser, click here to go to the show’s iTunes page, or search for it on the free Apple/Android/Blackberry app Stitcher. Or just click here if you need legit instructions.

Leave a comment with your thoughts/eulogies/stories of people who want to murder you, tell your friends about this show, and I hope you like this unreal story.

Additionally, click the “like” on our Facebook page, and follow us on Twitter @WillAndBobby both of which are on the right-hand side bar, and email WillAndBobby@gmail.com with questions, suggestions for topics, or even requests to HOST AN EPISODE! It’s fun, and everybody has an interesting story/something they’re interested in.

Episode 19 next week!

Me and My Murderer

Hey guys, for background reading, I decided to post a story I’ve previously written, because this week’s episode of Will and Bobby Know Everything (on iTunes) is all about this event. This story happened back in February (2012), and it’s fucking insane. So read this story and then consider this week’s podcast the audiobook version. With bonus info. Holy shit. Here we go:

I’m a bully.

At least, I was.

I might still be, but that’s not the point.

I’m not going to justify myself, or make it seem like my bullying ways were legitimate or fair, or excusable, but I’ll tell you right up front that I didn’t intend to be a bully. I meant to be the funny guy.

It’s a popular myth that bullies are afraid of the people they attack, but I think that’s actually an accidental result of the mocking rather than the immediate cause.

Bullies attack people that are just different, it’s that basic.

It’s where racism comes from.This post isn’t expressly about me, but I’ll tell you a quick story about myself:When I was 17, I was sitting in stand-still traffic, in the right most lane. I was listening to music and hanging out, when I saw a big muscular black guy walking up the side of the road. Before I knew what happened, I instinctively locked the doors of the car.

My heart sank…

What did I just do!? Did I assume this guy was going to try to steal my car and sit in the traffic?? Was I a racist? What the fuck??

I was seriously worried that I had just revealed myself to be a bigot. I thought about it a lot.

A few months later, I found myself sitting in more traffic. In the right most lane again. Listening to music. This time I looked up and saw a little old white lady walking up the side of the road. Before I knew what happened, my hand reached out and locked the doors again.

HOORAY!

I’M NOT RACIST, I’M JUST AFRAID OF EVERYTHING!

Especially little quiet people who wear bow-ties. Which brings me to my story:

There’s a guy that I used to be friends with on Facebook, who, for the sake of this story, I’ll refer to as “Elmer.”

Elmer is a fucking asshole.

On Facebook, Elmer is constantly posting statuses, usually around three times a day, which are typically centered around how abortion should be made illegal, and how any non-Christian is a fool. He posts about how “boughetto” (a crude word which is a combination of “bourgeoisie” and “ghetto”) people are loud and stupid and annoying. He frequently deals in stereotypes about black people. On Martin Luther King day, he posted something fucking crazy about having the day off and whether or not it’s deserved, and how MLK Jr. himself would say “ni**er please” in regards to…something…

Elmer has blocked me on facebook, so I can’t easily quote the post, but if I can find a way to quote the “ni**er please” post in the future, I’ll add it in. If you’re friends with this prick and you can find it, send me a screen cap at WillAndBobby@gmail.com!

Anyway, I find him infuriating. He’s a bully. And so I fucking bully him.

Most of the time I just post asinine shit.

For example:

Last week he posted something about how he couldn’t wait to go home and have his “supper.”

I thought it was absurd that he called dinner “supper,” so at first I was going to post, “You call it ‘supper’?”

But it didn’t seem funny enough.

So then I was about to write, “Oh boy, I love ‘supper…’”

But then it wasn’t weird enough (that’s important to me), so I finally posted, “Oh no, my supper is cold :( “

Perfect!

It’s fucking stupid and irrelevant and not worth getting angry at, while still being weird and funny. And he mostly used to let me get away with just posting weird shit on his page, which was part of the fun.

Not all my posts have been benign though. I’ve called him out about threatening people.

A year ago, he wrote about how he never forgets the people who wronged him, and how one day they’ll pay for it.

It set me off. And I wrote something along the lines of, “So you’re threatening people now? I guess someday we’ll see your face in the papers.”

He went OFF! He freaked out and wrote a long post about how I had compared him to Jared Lee Loughner (a comparison which I didn’t intend, but nonetheless find accurate).

I was mostly worried that I might lose the place where I posted absurd bullshit. And this guy is an accidental comedic genius.

That seems like a good enough background to explain what happened a couple of days ago.

Elmer posted this:

How’s that for some racist bullshit?!
Really, the fact that black people were once discriminated against and hated means that black people should have learned not to be rude to anybody?
If you’re going to use the argument that racism should have an effect on how black people “should” act, it would be that THEY ARE FREE TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY LIKE after white people did whatever the fuck they liked!
You stupid asshole!
You racist piece of shit!
You bow-tie-wearing human trash!
Now I’m not trying to big myself up or make my role in this world more significant than it is…And YES, I am (or WAS) willingly friends with Elmer, who I would usually just mock with goofy bullshit, but man this set me off.
He was seeming to revel in his own bullshit and awfulness. His anger is well documented. And more than that, he has people who read his bullshit and agree with him. I don’t presume I’m going to change the world, but I also can’t look at small-minded shit like this and move on. I wanted to call him out on his fucking prejudice.
At first I wrote, “Hey [Elmer], which do you hate more: racism or black people?” But I ended up deleting that and coming up with “It’s a good thing white people and Asian people aren’t rude at all.”
Compared to what I was originally going to write, that’s nothing. Even still, I received a fucking frantic, lunatic, rapid fire, SUPER angry response back about how I had twisted his words and how I was spouting “fallacies,” which is a bullshit old-world, biblical term meaning “falsehoods.”
…Which is also old and biblical.
Fuck…
Anyway, he went on to attack me by saying something along the lines of (I’ll add actual quotes if possible) “how do you know I won’t post something negative about white people or Asians in the future.”
To put it bluntly, he’s a defensive nut.
I wrote back “Feel free to surprise me but…” and I went on to point out that even if he eventually posts about how white people can be rude in the modern world, he’s currently talking about specifically black people…who he has written about before…in the same shitty negative tone.
I’ll say it now: Go fuck yourself  ”Elmer.”
After this most recent outburst, where I blatantly point out his racism, he finally decided to block me.
He should have done it years ago.
Unfortunately for me, this son of a bitch gets the best of me here:
He says that I have been antagonizing him for years. And he’s right. I have been. But I’ll say again that it’s because of his misogyny and racism that I lash out.
He also makes a point of saying that he remembers how I treated him in middle school and high school.
Now we’re back to that Jared Lee Loughner bullshit.
What’s the point of saying to somebody that you’ll remember them for the way they mistreated you, unless you have some plan for how to get back at them?
I’ll suggest here and now that “Elmer” has, at least in the back of his mind, some idea of lashing out against the people who has wronged him.
Which means that now I have to explain myself:
I bullied Elmer in middle school, and I have to own up to that.
In 8th or 9th grade (I honestly don’t remember), I took a wood-working class which I shared with Elmer.
He was quiet, and I had no reason not to like him, but he shared a work station with me and a girl, whose name I don’t remember.
I flirted with the girl, and we joked around, and we were goofy, and we made fun of anything and everything, including Elmer.
I’ll remind you again that “Elmer” is a nickname for the actual guy. It’s a similar name to the real thing, though, so when I tell you that me and that girl called him “Smellmer,” you may work out what his actual name is.
“Smell” was definitely a part of the name, is what I’m saying.
But it had no true basis.
He wasn’t smelly, he wasn’t weird, he was just quiet and fine.
I’ll tell you right now, that by calling him “Smellmer”, I thought the natural perception was not I was calling Elmer a loser, but that by calling him “Smellmer,” I was calling myself a loser!
It was a joke on a joke.
I thought I was making fun of people who make fun of people.
“Smellmer” is the dumbest, most illogical name in the world, so by using it, I was making fun of people who might actually use it.
But no matter what, whether I intended that fucking stupid name to be hurtful or not, I have to own up to the result, which was evidently that I hurt Elmer’s feelings.
I feel bad about that as a 9th grader. If at all possible, I would definitely send a message to my 15/16 year-old-self saying “leave Elmer alone,” but as a 25 year-old man, I think “fuck you Elmer, you racist fuck.”
So that was middle school. He has every right to say that he remembers how I treated him then, and he has  every right to hate me for it.
But high school? I don’t remember shit about him then! I don’t think I spoke to him at all!
So once again: fuck you Smellmer! You’re talking out of your smelly/racist ass!
No matter what, he posted that thing about how he remembers me for how I “treated” him in middle school and high school, which I interpret to mean he’ll one day show up on my front step with a gun.
I’ll be waiting…To die I guess…Because I don’t think I’ll dodge those bullets like Batman.
Yes.
I was a bully.
10 years ago.
But Elmer is a bully now.
He blocked me, and he’s way smarter than man, and he works for the fucking government, but still I say, “fuck you, you racist piece of shit.”
Honestly though, how awesome will it be if he tries to murder me?
If I’m found dead, seek Smellmer.
Actually, first check if it was a heart attack, I’m pretty overweight. If there are bullet holes, though, drive straight to Smellmer.
If you’re reading this, and you know who “Elmer” REALLY is, then I suggest you go nuts on his wall, denouncing his crazy views. Fuck that asshole and his asshole friends.
Facebook is a public forum. You’re free to think whatever crazy bullshit you want, but when you put it on a public site like that, don’t expect it to be the same as putting it in a journal you keep under your bed. People can see it and respond. Facebook is a place for conversation and debate.
It’s like being at a party, and everyone you know is there, and a few hundred people you’ve never met, and you see someone you used to know and you happen to notice they’re saying something horrible about somebody else. Do you walk up to them and say, “hey man, that’s not cool,” or do you just pretend it didn’t happen?
What I’m saying is that in a moment like that, you feel compelled to do one of those two things: step up or move along.
I couldn’t help myself, so I stepped up. Frankly I wish I had been more brazen and given him more shit.
Life’s too short to let people get away with hurting each other.
The last thing I got to say to Smellmer before the block was that I do regret being a shit head in middle school, but I’m going to call out bullshit when I see it.
He followed up with a fucking knockout punch. He really got me good. He wrote:
“Enjoy spending the rest of your life pretending to be humble while mistreating people.”
Fuck. He was right: I was pretending to be humble and I was accidentally writing like some small-town super-hero.
He’ll never fucking see the last thing I wanted to say to him though, because I was blocked JUST before I could send it…
My last message to Elmer is:
“Thanks!”
Bully the bullies!
Concerns, thoughts, questions, stories? Comment here or email me at WillAndBobby@gmail.com and listen to Episode 18 of Will and Bobby Know Everything to hear more posts from Elmer and to hear what happened just four hours after he blocked me. It’s crazy.

WBKE – Episode 17 – Social Media Part One

Hey guys, for this week’s show, my sister Kristen comes back and we have a conversation about social media.

We talk about freaks trying to hook up via videogames, we talk about a guy who explained to Bobby that aliens are real (and are responsible for all modern technology), and we talk about people on YouTube who reply to popular videos, with cleavage all over the place.

As usual, look for the show on iTunes or click here to listen from your browser! We’re also on Twitter and Facebook!

And feel free to email us at WillAndBobby@gmail.com with comments, questions, requests for topics, or offers to host!

Part 2 next week!

Will and Bobby Wrote Something: Part One

On WBKE, Bobby and I have made reference to different scripts that we’ve written, and on the banner of our website, we call ourselves writers, but none of our writing is available anywhere (aside from bullshit about being fat/going bald).

From around 2005 to 2011, Bobby and I were co-writers on a number of different concepts, none of which ever went anywhere. Most of them were awful, some of them had merit, and all of them are completely unrealistic right now.

I’m going to start putting them online.

On the 1st of the month, every month, until I run out of material, come here to see a new script, treatment, or concept for the TV shows, movies, and comic books that Bobby and I (sort of) created.

The first piece of material I’m going to post is from the second project Bobby and I really put effort into. There are things that came before this, and I’ll touch on those eventually, but what I’m writing about today is a really great concept that Bobby and I unfortunately came up with a few years too late.

On Episode 12 of the podcast, Bobby and I had Mike Costa and Matt Battaglia on the show and we started to tell this story:

After Bobby and I came up with our first concept for a TV show, a concept that I still fucking love to this day, we were doing research about how to pitch a show. What we read was that, if you are lucky enough to get a meeting, you should go in to the room with not just one but two concepts. The rationale is that, if the network likes you as a writer but maybe they’re already working on a similar project (or maybe they just don’t like that first idea), they’ll be interested to hear what else you have to offer.

In the beginning of 2010, Bobby and I started trying to figure out another show to write. We had already come up with a comedy, and we wanted to branch out.

Eventually, we realized that the only genre you couldn’t really find on TV was horror. I’ve always been a huge horror-nut, and Bobby was into it, so we just had to figure out what sort of horror we wanted to do.

Vampires had already been fucked by the Twilight series, serial killers were (and are) overdone, and we’ve always been huge fans of the George Romero zombie movies (Night/Dawn/Day of the Living Dead),  so ultimately that’s what we went with.

At the time, it felt so fucking brilliant, simple, and obvious. There had never been a television zombie story! It makes perfect fucking sense: zombie movies are commentaries on society. They have a message hidden under all the fucked up biting and gore. More than that, it seemed like a brilliant idea to have a cast of characters that a viewer would grow to love. We’d show them learn about the monsters, try to adapt, have leadership struggles, and try to find a way to survive. It was brilliant. We came up with a unique, clever, new version of zombies, and started writing immediately.

We wrote a treatment, which lays out the overall concept, the characters, the threat, and where the show would go, and we wrote a short script that could serve as a bite-sized representation of the tone. Then we wrote another.

Previously with our comedy show, we’d tried to film a pilot. Realizing that it would be risky and expensive to film this new zombie show, we had an idea:

Instead of filming anything, we decided to have the script made into a comic book.

Movies and TV shows commonly use storyboards to show the progression of a scene. They’re lightly drawn representations of how the show will be shot. We just wanted to push that idea further. With a comic you could get the mood, the timing, you could show how the world would feel. I was excited. Again, this was before the big zombie-boom and it seemed like we had stumbled across television gold.

I told Mike Costa about the idea to make a comic of our script. He’s a graphic designer who had made a few things for me before, and I thought he might be interested. He suggested that I bring the idea to Matt Battaglia instead, saying that it was something that Matt might be more interested in.

I met with Matt at a bar and explained the entire show to him. I read him parts of the treatment. I showed him pages of the script, he nodded along, he was interested, and then he asked me if I’d ever heard of The Walking Dead.

He told me all about it: an ongoing horror story. A cast of characters with conflicts who grow and change. It was announced as a TV show. Based on a comic book.

Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I’d heard that. Maybe we did inadvertently steal the concept, but I really don’t think so. I think we just had the same idea way too late.

It’s also not like we’d have made the show if it weren’t for The Walking Dead. We were (are) just two goofy guys who no one has ever heard of.

We’re not so delusional as to think we’d have been kings off the concept.

It was just a weird coincidence.

It happens.

The most fucking absurd, goofy, cartoonish, and annoying thing? The name of the show we came up with. After telling Bobby and me about The Walking Dead, Matt Battaglia agreed to  draw a potential page from the book.

I’ll post scripts starting next month, but for now, look at this amazing, simple, subtle page.

I love it.

He did a great job.

Now look at the fucking name:

The Dead Don't Walk

Feel free to leave a comment or email WillAndBobby@gmail.com about how unoriginal and stupid we are. And click here to go to Part Two!